Day Twelve: Fighting Well

Today Kerry has us in the boxing ring learning how to fight well because he says that most of us have no idea how to resolve conflict.

His first piece of advice is to stay in the ring and off the ropes. Too many people either run from the ring or choose to not engage in the fight by resting on the ropes. Men are especially good at this slipping into the garage or the basement or the boat, etc. to withdraw from their wife.

Kerry gives us five styles of fights:

1. The Rope-a-Dope fighter. They avoid conflict, refuse to engage, and retreat when emotions arise, avoiding conflict whenever it surfaces in a relationship.
2. The Knock-Out Artist. The people insist on winning and will do whatever it takes to conquer their opponent.
3. The Take-the-Fall fighter. They throw in the towel early looking for a false peace. But they often stuff their anger and develop severe cases of resentment.
4. The One-Two Puncher is the fighter who is committed to give and take. This style is a bit more healthy because this fighter is willing to stay in the ring an exchange blows until they establish a clear winner.
5. The Sparring Partner. This fight is not "to win" but to make both people better. No one is looking for a knock out. Both fighters see themselves as team mates.

Kerry also suggests a few ground rules for fighting;

1. Affirm your commitment to the relationship...that you are not out to hurt the person.
2. Wear a "mouthguard" - be careful that you don't use words that inflame or wound.
3. Don't attack, causing the other person to go on the defensive and shutting down.
4. Own your own feelings. Acknowledge them and seek to express them in contructive ways.
5. Don't bring up past history but focus on the present issue at hand.
6. Bring the Prince of Peace (Jesus) into the ring to make sure it's a good fight.

As you think about your last 30 days on earth what are some unresolved fights that need resolving? What are some unfair fights that you need to apologize for?

Day 11: Obstacles to Unity

Kerry Shook is obviously an action oriented man! Yesterday he had us scuba diving and today we are mountain climbing as we consider how to love completely. He says...


If we are counting the days before we left this earth, we would be looking for ways to build bridges, to bring about healing, and to enjoy our most important relationships. No one wants to leave this earth with unfinished business. We want to leave our loved ones having experienced the summit of our relationships as the result of our courage to love. (page 82)


He says that every relationship has mountains to climb to achieve unity:

1. The mountain of misunderstanding
2. The mountain of "me first" attitude
3. The mountain of mistakes and relational missteps.

To really love the people in our lives, we have to overcome these relational alps and learn to work through the mistakes and push beyond our self-interests. We have to grow in our willingness and ability to pour ourselves into those we love, motivating them to stay on the trail with us and empowering them to persevere after we're no longer with them. (page 84)

Kerry said that some of the best things we can do to overcome these mountains are the small consistent things that we do everyday...eating together, talking about the day, taking a walk together, praying together, surprising the people you love with something special, etc. Think of just one small thing you can do today for someone you love...and then do it!

Day Ten: The Depths of Forgiveness

Kerry Shook uses the analogy of scuba diving to help us consider the depths of love. He said that most of life is spent on the beach or skimming the surface. But few of us risk going deep in our relationships. But those who do are rewarded. How do you "go deep"? ..

1. By confessing your faults. So often we live in denial, hiding what others already know about us. Why not come clean by confessing your faults and asking forgiveness of the people that you've offended?
2. By forgiving those who have hurt you. Shook says that forgiveness in life is like an air tank in diving...you can't live without it.

Make a list of those closest to you. Who do you need to forgive? What do you need to confess? Come clean over these next few weeks and feel the weight lift and your relationships go deep.

Day Nine: The Price of Love

Today starts the second section of the book "One Month to Live" focusing on how to Love Completely.

Kerry Shook says that "Our investment in the people we care about is the only legacy that has the power to endure beyond our lifetime." When you think about it, Jesus invested in people, not the stock market. Not that the stock market is bad but you have to ask...where's my focus? Where's my primary investment in life? In people? My job? My finances? Or...? I hope your answer is people.

So, if you only had one month to live...who are those people that you would want to spend time with? Who would you need to apologize to or express your love to in tangible ways? What's standing in the way of that?

Kerry tells us that "Love can't be bought, but it definitely carries a price, and it's called sacrifice." Yes, expressing your love is going to cost you something...some time, maybe some money, some emotion, some pride... But as with any investment the wise investor doesn't focus on the expense but the return. The expense is always worth a healthy ROI (return on investment). Think about the return of investing in the lives of those you love and then spend freely.

Day Eight: Full Throttle

Note: If you'd like these recaps emailed to you every day please let me know.

Do you have trouble changing? Many people resist change because they feel that the sum total of their life's circumstances is insurmountable. It just takes too much energy for too long of a time to turn their ship around. So they give up before they start. Does that describe you?

God understands this problem and that's exactly why he gave us his Spirit to power our changes. He understands that left to ourselves we are powerless. But with his Spirit we can do the impossible. That's why Paul prayed for us...

I pray that you will begin to understand how incredibly great his power is to help those who believe him. It is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead. Ephesians 1:19,20

What are those areas of your life where you feel like a complete failure? Kerry Shook tells us to do three things.

1. Admit your weakness.
2. Release your guilt.
3. Receive God's strength to change.

Write out what's keeping you from each one of these steps and then meet with someone to help you start the process.

Day Seven: Pursuing Dreams

We've all got dreams but how many of us pursue them with passion? Before you die don't you want the satisfaction of knowing that you pursued your dreams?

Kerry Shook says that God has put us here for a reason and planted dreams within us so we can do our part in seeing them realized. He says that "if-onlys" and "what-ifs" will haunt us unless we know that we poured ourselves into bringing our unique dreams to life.

How can we tell if our dreams are from God and not just our own idea?

1. God's dreams won't contradict what He tells us in the Bible.
2. It will be so big that you'll know that without God you can't accomplish it.
3. It will make a difference in the lives of others and not just benefit you.

Be aware that wherever God's dream exist the devil will seek to thwart it by wounding your heart and causing you to doubt. But patience, passion and persistence will overcome these things and enable you to achieve God's dreams for your life.

What are those dreams that God has placed on your heart? How might God use you to be a blessing to others?

Day Six: Risky Business

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Helen Keller

Kerry Shook tells us that the only way to risk finding greatness is to trust God with all the areas of your life. We tend to control every detail of our lives but in holding on so tight we actually restrict our ability to succeed. God wants us to trust him to accomplish incredible things through us that we could never achieve on our own.

Look at all that God has given you; your talent, your finances, your knowledge. How are you investing these to benefit God's kingdom on earth? (And by "God's Kingdom" I mean whatever promotes the knowledge of God or the work of God...reconciliation, hope, forgiveness, restoration, righteousness, healing, etc.) Or are you clinging to what your have for fear that if you give them away that you'll have nothing left for yourself? Are you like the person in Jesus' story who was given money by his boss but instead of investing it he buried it for safe keeping? That kind of "play-it-safe" living only gets you in trouble with the boss.

Jesus said...From everyone who has been given much much will be demanded and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much will be asked. Luke 12:48

You have been given much. What are you giving back?

Day Five: Oxygen Mask

The idea here is that on a plane, when cabin pressure is lost, you make sure you get oxygen before helping others. Makes sense. The same holds true for us in life. Before we can help others we have to make sure we are healthy ourselves. I've seen too many people try to pour themselves out to serve others, draining themselves completely out of a sense of duty, and feeling guilty about ever taking care of themselves.

This chapter challenges us to take care of ourselves in two ways;
1. Physically. The temptations are to worship our bodies and spend all our time in the gym or trash our bodies by not eating right, sleeping right, drinking too much, etc. But there is a balance.
2. Emotionally. Emotions are a good thing. The trick is to express our emotions without letting our emotions control us.

Given these two areas, what are some things you need to do to improve your physical and emotional health? How have you been ignoring them? When you bring them under control can you see how you will be better able to help others?

Day Four: Making Connection

Kerry Shook asks an interesting question on Day Four of his book: If you only had one month left before your physical body collapsed, wouldn't you want the part of you that's going to live forever to be as healthy as possible?

Good point. How's your spiritual health? It's an old question but if you were to die today...are you ready to meet God?

When you've got time to waste you might want to be religious. But with 30 days to live you need to get down to business. Your faith needs to get personal. It's easy to know a lot about God but do you know him like you know a good friend? Do you talk? Do get a sense of hearing from him? That might seem irrational but that's why Jesus came into history...to make an invisible distant God visible and approachable.

When you move from a friendship relationship to a dating relationship it starts with an invitation...would you like to go out tonight? Moving to intimacy with God starts with a simple invitation as well. Here's a simple prayer to move you in that direction;

Jesus I want to know you - not just know about you. I want a relationship not religion. So I'm inviting you to come into my life. Thank you for dying for me. Thank you for forgiving me. But I need more than forgiveness I need you in my life. Come now and fill every part of me. Help me to follow you completely. Give me eyes to see you in my life and ears to hear your voice. Help me to follow you every day and fulfill my purpose in life. Amen.

Now, once you make this connection...keep it!

Day Three: Energy Management

If you only had one month to live would you stay awake the whole time to make the most of your days? It makes sense at one level, the problem is your body won't let you. You were created for rest. You'll make the most of your time by using some of that time to sleep. You just can't keep going and going.

A recent Sixty Minutes broadcast (The Science of Sleep) shared some interesting research on sleep. They said that if you only get 4-5 hours of sleep for one night, it will impact your mental functioning the next day. The more nights you deprive yourself of sleep the greater the mental impact. On the other hand if you get a good night of sleep your memory is actually better than if you stayed up studying all night. So it pays to sleep. It pays to rest.

As you look at your habits do you factor in down time to recharge your batteries? Do make a day your sabbath? Do you get eight hours of sleep? Do you take time to visit with friends, talk to God, read, take vacations? These are the "useless" things that actually make you more productive in the long run.

To get the most out of your last 30 days be sure and rest!

Day Two: Some Day is Today

On Day One Kerry Shook asked if we were living the dashing or dashing to live. The point is that most of us are so busy that we don't have time to truly live. We convince ourselves that some day we'll do what we want...but you know how that goes...some day never comes.


I'd imagine that some people chose not to read the book (One Month to Live) or join a small group because they are "too busy". Just like we don't go out with friends or spend time with our family or spend time with God for the same reason...too busy.


But if you only had one month to live... Someday is Today! So the next time you catch yourself using the excuse... I'm too busy... stop and say... I'm busy but this is important to me. I'll make the time - which means that you will reprioritze your life and cut out some of the time wasters you do (tv, surf the net, etc.) so you can do the really important things. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Day One: Living the Dash

Today begins our One Month to Live readings. I'll write BRIEF summary reflections for each day. If you'd like this e-mailed to you each day, send me an email and let me know.

Day One: Living the Dash

The "dash" refers to the the line on a tombstone between the dates you were born and died. We have no control over those dates but we have a lot to say about the dash in between the two.

I liked the quote that began this chapter. It talks about the fear ... "that as far as the world is concerned we might as well never have lived." Harold Kushner

Ouch. He's talking about the fear that we will have no impact on this world. We only consumed during our lifetime. We offered nothing in return. Is that the legacy that you want to leave - that when people stand around your grave they say things like "What a wasted life. He/she never lived up to their potential." And instead of a legacy all you left is regrets, excuses and I.O.U.'s. All you left was your kingdom of pursuits and possessions that benefitted no one but yourself and will merely rot in your absence.

If you want to do something about this fear...join me for a 30 day journey of turning things around. Over these next 30 days we will work to turn your "ship" around so when you leave this world you have left a legacy and you will be missed.

Download the Sunday Sermons here.

Craig Cuccia & Cafe Reconcile

Cedarbrook is sending off our 10th and 11th teams to Central City, New Orleans to help build a dormitory for a treatment center at Living Witness Church. But right down the block is Cafe Reconcile which has some of the best food on the planet. What's really cool is that this cafe is a ministry in disguise. The owner, Craig Cuccia, started it out of a sense that he had to give back after being so blessed in his own life. The intention of the cafe is to revitalize the area and get people off the streets and into a productive lifestyle.

I had the pleasure of meeting and talking to Craig while I was in New Orleans last year. He treats everyone like a long-lost friend, sitting down to join you for a meal if you ask him and telling his story. I've never met anyone like him. He is the quintescent entrepreneur only he's not working to build his kingdom. He's doing it all to help others. I'd love to catch whatever he's got and help him spread it! Very inspiring.

I hope you'll read the article in the Catholic Digest about Craig but it closes out with his outlook on ministry...

I truly believe it’s the grace of God, like everything is. I try to stay tuned to the right way to go. The diving board of faith gets higher and the dark hole you’ve got to dive into gets deeper, but you’ve just got to dive off and trust that God catches you along the way. ... God can use anybody anywhere anyhow, and it’s up to us to open the door and let him use us.

May God give us more Craig Cuccia's. Maybe you are the next one!

By the way, try the Catfish and the bread pudding when you're there. I'm pretty sure they'll be serving the same recipe in heaven.

What if You Had One Month to Live?

It's an interesting question, isn't it? What if you had one month to live? How would you change your life...if at all? It reminds me of the recent movie, The Bucket List... the list that we create before we "kick the bucket".

Did you know that Jesus had a Bucket List? That's what I'll be talking about on Easter... the things that Jesus did before he died.

And then in the month of April Christine and I will be preaching on how we might change our lives as individuals and as a church if we knew that we had one month to live.

So, I invite you to take the challenge;

• Listen to the six sermons (at church or on-line)
• Read the book (30 short chapters in 30 days)
• Join a small group to discuss the book (six weeks)
• And let God change your life!

You can keep living like you are living. What will people say at your funeral?

Or, you can choose to finish strong by changing your life now -while there is still time. How might the stories change at your funeral if you did?

I hope you'll seize this opportunity. We've got everything in place to help you make a profound difference in your life. Don't pass it up!

The Wellumson's "Cry" cd... review

I thought I should take a minute and review the Wellumson's cd "Cry". I've been listening to it in the car for a few months but finally sat down to carefully read the words and listen to each track.

Jane Wellumson has been the worship leader at Cedarbrook Church from the beginning. In the early days, when we barely had a band, her daughters Katie and Emily WERE the band. That's where I grew to love their great vocals and tight harmonies that only a family can pull off. Now that five years have passed, the youngest Wellumson has had time to grow up and join the group (Marta).

I highly recommend their work! If you are expecting the high energy rock from the Cedarbrook Band, you'll probably be disappointed. But if you are looking for great vocals with a contemporary sound and thoughtful lyrics with spiritual insights you'll want to pick this up. They don't play as a band. Each song features a different person and usually a song that they wrote. (But there still are great harmonies!).

Jane wrote five of the 12 songs, giving two of them away to be sung by Katie and Emily. Jane is a troubador by nature. I asked her to be a bit of a rocker on Sundays, but that's not her natural style. She loves to tell a story. No simple repetitive choruses here. She's deep - reflecting on the evil in this world (Peace), the risk of faith (What Would You Do) and the pain of God's refining fire (Refine Me). Here's a woman that has walked with God and gives us glimpses of him through her songs. Her words have a way of transporting you into what she was feeling as she wrote each song.

Katie, Emily and Marta have definite Top 40 leanings, although they too refuse to settle for Christian cliche and simplistic answers. Each one of them, in their own way, talk about experiencing God in the midst of hardship. Marta sings two songs (Cry, Sound of a Whisper) that reference her cry to God, hence the cd title "Cry". In a similar way Katie asks God to hold her in the middle of shattered dreams (Hold Me) while Emily sings a modern day psalm as she looks to God to show his kindness (Majesty). One song I'd love to hear hit the radio waves is Emily's "Satisfied". It's got it all.

Jane is well networked with musicians backing up her fam. Local musicians Randy Sinz (bass), Sue Orfield (sax), Mike Viahaki (keys) and Mike Schelenker (lead guitar) are musicians of note that I'm familiar with. They add a nice full and professional sound.

I think this is a great cd, escpecially for their first one. Produced at SoundWorks in Eau Claire, you'll be pleasantly surprised at what you hear. You'll be proud to give it as a gift... especially for someone struggling through a hard time. You'll enjoy it in the car but it's also something you'll want to sit down and give a serious listen to the words.

Check out their MySpace site to hear some tracks. Pick up the cd at Cedarbrook for $11.

Sex God... book review

In preparation for my current sermon series (Victorious Secret...embracing the biblical view of sex) I listened to a few sermons by other pastors and skimmed a few books. In general, I was disappointed at their approach. At one extreme it was too negative. At the other extreme it was too cutesy...as in, Three Steps to a Great Sex Life! I just don't think that's what the writers of the Bible had in mind.

So I have been pleased in my current reading of the new book Sex God by Rob Bell. Rob takes a very non-linear approach to the topic. That might drive you crazy but I appreciate his indirect approach, especially regarding sex, because it prevents him from falling into some of the typical ruts I mentioned above. When people start to anticipate your next word it tends to shut them down and say, "Oh...I know where he's going here. Yeah, been there, done that."

But you never really know where Rob is headed! He meanders around the topic exploring thoughts regarding lust, dignity, freedom, spirituality, Genesis chapter one, pornography, 1 Corinthians, etc. etc. And then just when you think that he has no intention of making a point, he'll drop in a truth that is profound, but it is so understated that if you aren't paying attention you will drift right past it.

For example, after reflecting on how lust takes us down paths we never intended on going he makes this statement... "Freedom isn't being able to have whatever we crave. Freedom is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it." And then he keeps going. If I was smart enough to have that thought I'd put it at the beginnning of a chapter and then take the rest of the chapter to unpack it so people get every ounce of what that means. But, that's the difference between Rob and Remy! And his church is 10,000 +++ so he must be doing something right!

If you want to move beyond the "just say no" phase of your sexuality I recommend this book. It will make you think deeply about what sexuality truly is and how it is central to our spirituality. I'm not done with the book yet, so I may report back with a few more of Bell's nuggets.

The Pain of Pornei

We learned on Sunday that the Greek word for sexual immorality is "porneia". Surrounding this whole topic of sex is so much pain, confusion and disillusionment. It makes things very complex.

I've already had a few conversations with people involved in the pain of pornei and I'm so thankful to hear from them. I just wrote to one thanking them for having the courage to talk to me. I wrote...

....what so often happens in Bible teaching is that we lay out "the truth" and everyone who doesn't fit with the truth lays there bleeding and feeling like no one understands their situation. But Paul talked about "truth and grace". As a biblical community we have to find the balance of the two...I need to preach with an awareness of the pain that people endure around this topic.

I mention this as a bit of a caution to us to tread lightly around sensitive issues like sex. I find it very difficult to teach on what the Bible says because many of the biblical texts regarding sexual immorality are addressing extreme cases of orgy and temple prostitution prevalent in ancient Greek culture. The passions that drive people into these settings are more obviously rooted in pure greed and selfishness. So the Bible attacks the people engaged in this lifestyle aggressively and understandably so.

But if we apply those scriptures with equal weight to people in our culture today, it might not be fair. In fact, people today often push back on biblical teaching about sexual immorality because they don't like being thrown in the same camp as these people. I can't blame them.

So we need to carefully tease the underlying principles of sexual purity from the Bible that we can apply today without embracing the full condemnation that was targeted at people steeped in carnal idol worship.

It's the complexity of this topic that causes the wide range of teaching on sex throughout all churches. If you apply the texts to all people without taking into consideration the cultural differences, you'll wound a lot of people, implying that their relationships are all about selfish sex and devoid of any self sacrificing love. But if you throw up your hands and say, "The biblical text has nothing to say to our culture today" then I think you lose sight of a very central theme throughout the Bible and that is holiness; the idea that as God's people we are set apart to live a life for God and not ourselves. And holiness requires that we sacrifice our desires at times to please God.

All this to say that, as with any sermon I preach, let's wrestle with these things together and not polarize into camps. We can learn from each other as we all share from each other's perspective. I want to stimulate thought and discussion, not only with each other but with God. We may not all agree but we'll be better for having had the conversation. So, let's be careful with one another, understanding that for some the topic of sex is very sensitive and painful. I don't want to drive anyone away or "into the closet" because they don't feel like anyone wants to hear their side.

I invite your input, here or directly through email or one on one conversation.

When Judging isn't Loving

We are in the midst of a series called "Loving Judgment" at Cedarbrook. It's my attempt to bring some balance to the many Bible texts that I've preached on that tell us not to judge. The truth is, there are times when we need to judge...not a person but their behavior. The church at large seems to have adopted the army's "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy. That might work for them but the Bible tells us that love doesn't hide problems from each other. Love brings them into the open so they can be resolved in a safe environment.

The topic is a dicey one though because the church has so often abused the idea of judgment. Someone sent me a link from the Wallstreet Journal called "Banned from Church". This tells a number of scary stories about how churches misapplied the verses in 1 Corinthians 5 about throwing out the "immoral brother".

Last week I attempted to address the true meaning of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 5. Read or listen to what I had to say by clicking the link. Our goal should always be reconciliation and not punishment. It's surprising to me how church folk so quickly forget that and seemingly relish in the opportunity to harm others.

Going Deeper looks like...what?

I started talking about going deeper with God in the last post. It's an interesting topic because as I think about it now, as compared to 25 years ago, there's a big difference. Going deeper 25 years ago meant changing my lifestyle, my habits, the way I spent my money, the way I spent my time, etc. etc.


Then going deeper had to do with responding to loss and crisises. Instead of reacting in anger or depression it meant responding with wisdom and grace-learning to take positive steps rather than negative, self-destructive ones. This was huge for me and still continutes today.


But what does going deeper look like now? I've been asking myself that because at first I had no idea. The idea is still forming but here's what I came up with so far. Going deeper now looks like:

1. Being more self-aware. I don't think you can ever stop growing in this area. Everyone is much less aware than they think they are. We are much more self-conscious than we can imagine. I think what is especially deceiving is that the older you get (and I'm getting old at 51!) the more you tend to dial down all the "voices" that you don't want to hear and "dial up" the ones that affirm you. We all do this but I think after years of life you tend to just accept who you are and stop listening to people who would like you to change. So I think "going deeper" means to ask God to turn up the volume on the knobs that I've suppressed for too long...to hear afresh what people want me to hear and really listen and respond vs. saying, "I've been this way for 51 years, I'm not changing now!"


2. Asking God for more. I have a tendency to just take what comes my way and call it "good". Maybe it's the Midwestern in me but I don't feel right asking God for much. I figure he's going to give me what I need and allow the pain that he will allow and my job is to humbly take what is given. But the Bible doesn't say that. The Bible says that God wants us to ask...ask for big things...unbelieveable things, for two reasons; one, to bless others and two, so he gets the credit. I believe God wants me to ask for bigger impact both personally and as a church. And when those things happen, I believe God that I will have met God in a deeper way.

3. Serving more. Our first step is always self-preservation. I think you can never stop learning to be generous. And so this is the most obvious way that I can grow deeper; giving more, serving more, helping more. I'm not talking about burning myself out but looking for the opportunities to be used by God to bless others.

I'd be interested in hearing what "going deeper" looks like to you if you care to post. If the post feature doesn't work, email me and I'll post it for you.

What does it mean to go "deeper" spiritually?

I went to a T.D. Jakes revival in Washington, D.C. last week. I had never seen him before. Interesting guy. It was a supercharged, quasi-pentecostal setting...not my preferred ministry environment but I still was challenged...not always because of the message. (Sometimes in spite of it!).

One thing that struck me was my need to go to another level spiritually. To be honest, and I don't mean this in an arrogant way, I'm very comfortable where I'm at spiritually. I've come a long way over the years. I feel like God has chipped a lot of pride and selfishness away from me. He's moved me from a self-centered life to one that is focused on helping/serving others. And I feel like I understand the ways of God pretty well.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect by any means...I've just come a long way and it feels good to be where I'm at. In many ways I've surpassed where I thought I'd be when I first decided to follow Jesus at 19. I would never say that I've "arrived" spiritually, but I am comfortable. But as I reflected on that...it seemed wrong.

I got to thinking about God and how infinite he is. No matter how close to God you are, no matter how refined you've become, there is always another level to go. The "well" of Jesus is infinintely deep. So really, being comfortable is not a good place to be...at least, if that means that you aren't seeking to move on. It's like saying that you've invested well financially all your life and now you are just going to live off the interest. Or, you've invested in people all your life and now you are going to stop investing in people and just live on the relationships that you've formed. Somehow it seems self-serving. I think as long as we have breath we are to be investing ourselves in this life in every way; financially, relationally, spiritually, and in serving others.

I have more thoughts to share but I'll save them for the next post. I just wanted to get you thinking about going deeper this year. Maybe you have grown comfortable too. Or is "comfortable" just another word for "stagnant"?